Eyes of reality

Waiting for you to be back is probably the worst experience as a sister that I've been through. I struggled with you for years to try and clean you up, convince you the life you were living was not the life for you.. always worried, always wondering; Is that your last time? Did you overdose? are you dead somewhere?

Then the day came where you got beaten within an inch of your life by 6 guys because your addiction had become your world. You ONLY survived because the leader saw a picture of your son on your phone screen and decided not to shoot you.Despite the aforementioned events, you kept on with your lifestyle. You kept putting addiction above all else, and so slowly but surely, the majority of us just gave up on helping.

I was still there though, when you needed money, when you needed somewhere for the kids, when you needed a place to stay because your wife would no longer take your bullshit. Still, I got treated like the stupid younger sister who didn't know jack shit about the world, but guess what? Sister had it right all along, I told you and you refused to see it, I was there though, I was always there.

Then came the day that you managed to convince our mother into selling her prescription pain pills, because she was struggling and you saw the opportunity to advance yourself, as well as make it seem like mom was getting in a better financial situation. She wasn't though, she was pulling herself down into a world of dope dealing, thieves and potential prison time. So I finally stepped in and stopped playing the sister who was always there, and started being the sister that didn't fall for your shit. I tried my hardest to convince mom to just stop..to realize you were dragging her into your messes, your lifestyle..all for a couple extra dollars? It couldn't be that way, but it was..and I was sadly disappointed.

The day that my predictions of your future & mothers became true, I was pregnant with my youngest son, and celebrating my engagement, eating a outback when I get a phone call to tell me that my mother and brother had been arrested in a drug deal and my 46 year old mother was now sitting in County. Really? After I had offered for her to come celebrate and she had blown me off for you. For drugs, apparently for Jail.

The months went by of me struggling to get my daughter back from her fathers (another friend of yours in that game) biggest mistake. I was working full time, and had to  leave work abruptly when I found out that while he had her for his visitation he had been cooking meth in the house and jeopardizing not only my child's health but safety. She had been taken into foster care, before I could even get off of work! So I struggled months and months through the court system to prove I wasn't like you guys..drug test after drug test, classes and house inspections. She was finally home with me but still for a year I had to continue this process, after losing my job due to these court dates. I still went to every court date for you, and for our mother. Gave you commissary, visitations. But it was like I was speaking to a wall. Mom had learned..but you, you hadn't.

Mom got 5 years probation, 3 years house arrest, and now she's miserable. She breaks down because she made so many mistakes, and no longer has a normal life, and she's officially a felon. She's so sad, and it hurts me to see her like that..the beautiful energetic woman that used to be my mother is gone, replaced with a depressed, socially inept, shell of a woman.

& you? Well, like I said, the waiting for you to be back is the worst experience I've had as a sister. I've written you, and I've kept in touch.. counted the time, and still can't come to grips that you will not see my children until they are 10, 10, and 8. Your son will be a teenager and Isabella will be 9. I don't even know if you'll survive in there that long. 10 years in prison...all because of that stupid fucking lifestyle you had. The lives you've impacted, ruined, or destroyed. Your children don't even know where you're at, your wife no longer keeps in contact. Can't see my niece or nephew all because you were an idiot. I'm their Auntie, and I have NO INVOLVEMENT in their life.. it's such a depressing thing to remember, to realize i'm just not there.. I can't be there. No matter how much I want to, all because you weren't there when you should've been! My kids don't know their Uncle.

You say you've learned your lesson but we all know talk is cheap, motherfucker. You have to PROVE IT. You have to WANT IT. You have to EARN IT. LEARN IT. DEVOTE TO IT.